A satirical look at the human connection behind the price tag.

I recently attended the wedding of a friend, and was seated across from a sumptuously dressed lawyer. When he learned that I was an organic farmer, the conversation immediately turned in the direction it always does: the price of organic food at the grocery store.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he began. “I totally support what you’re doing. I try to eat organic whenever I can. But geez, it’s so expensive, you know? Tomatoes for $3 a pound? It’s… it’s just outrageous!”

Yes, I nodded. Organic food is outrageously overpriced. I straightened the bow tie on my Vera Wang tuxedo, and tilted my head sympathetically. Someone really should do something.

Here—at last—an organic insider is blowing the whistle on $3 heirloom apples, $6 organic salad greens, and $12 bacon from heritage breed hogs. These are the secrets that the “Organic Food Industrial Complex” doesn’t want you to know.

Hippies in their natural element: farmers market. The white van is probably filled with insultingly-overpriced squash. Notice that they are shoeless: these might be uber-hippies.

1) Dirty Hippie Farmers are (Still) Trying to Take Over America

You witnessed them during the failed Occupy Movement—those shameless people who soiled our public parks while clamoring for ‘fairness’ and ‘accountability.’ Thank goodness Wall Street prevailed, and we regained our sanity. But the battle isn’t over yet. In fact, some of these hippies have come up with a new, diabolical plan: by tricking us into buying their organic corn, potatoes and green beans, they are literally forcing their sustainable agenda down our patriotic throats.

Their ultimate goal? To take their usurious profits, and hire lobbyists to go after the spray cheeze industry. Don’t believe me? Then answer the following question: did Hostess go out of business because Twinkies aren’t delicious, or because hippies infiltrated the bakery? Listen up, people. This threat is REAL.

2) Irresponsible Young People Who Want to Become Farmers

Young farmers. Who needs ’em?

By now, you’ve seen Food Inc. or read Omnivore’s Dilemma (or you at least have an annoying friend who brings it up every time you’re quietly enjoying a bucket of buffalo wild wings). You know in your heart how laughable the so-called ‘sustainable agriculture’ movement is, and how a world without chemical fertilizers or pesticides will lead to global starvation and beer shortages. You’ve done your homework, and can see the organic hocus-pocus for what it really is: a bunch of… well… organic hocus pocus.

Suddenly, here comes a tidal wave of young people willing to work hard for a living, growing food with an identity and provenance. What is it with these optimistic kids? It was bad enough that they had to join Peace Corps for a few years, but sheesh, shouldn’t they have it out of their systems by the time they’re 28? Here’s a tip for aspiring young farmers: there’s a device called scissors, and you can use them to trim your beard. Now go find yourself a real job, like a normal person. And by ‘normal person,’ I mean 6 more years of grad school, and 20 years of student loans.

Look at this sap… he went to college so he could dig ditches in July!

3) Naive College-Educated Farmers are Charging You for THEIR Screw Ups

Speaking of college and real jobs, what’s with the deluge of college-educated farmers these days? If these people really went to college to study agriculture, they’d have useful jobs like selling GMO soybeans or $100,000 tractors by now. Instead, these ‘educated’ farmers are the worst types of all: misguided dreamers who honestly believe they can change the world. More than likely, these wannabe farmers were English or Art History majors. Rather speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

Related: The Rise Of The College Educated Farmer

Long story short, these head-in-the-cloud tinkerers are charging you for their greenhorn mistakes, passing along the cost of their organic shenanigans. Completely ignorant of how food should be grown, they learn by trial and error, relying on flint and stick tools. Many end up growing nothing but weeds. Weeds… and a little ‘wacky tobaccy’, if you take my meaning.

4) Dead-beat Senior Citizens Are Fleecing You Out of Your Paycheck

A farmer of 45 years unrolls a portable fence. He’s probably on his way to roll out some high prices.

You know the type. Those con-artist 70 year old farmers who complain that their Social Security check doesn’t cover their living expenses. They whine about how their kids (or grandkids) didn’t want to take over the farm, and moan about how they’ve barely scraped by on commodity-priced agriculture their entire lives. Now, they’ve got the nerve to show up at farmers markets, and charge people twice as much for homegrown tomatoes than the ones available right down the street at the local Wal-Mart.

Hey elderly farmers, instead of trying to price-gouge, how about charging us what your food is really worth? I mean, would it kill you to charge a little less? Outrageous!

Which leads me to my final point. We are entitled, as Americans, to a never-ending supply of cheap, abundant food.

On McDonalds’ $1 Value Menu, 10 different items are offered for a dollar. Ten! Do you think a hippie farmer could make a $1 hamburger from a grass-fed, sustainably raised cow, with organic lettuce and heirloom tomatoes on a non-GMO bun?

What’s that, hippie farmer? You can’t figure out how to make a $1 sandwich? Didn’t think so.

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These organic carrots will be washed twice: once for farmers market, and a second time when your money is laundered.

So now you know the truth: organic farmers aren’t just filthy… they’re getting filthy rich. Don’t be fooled by their thrift store clothes, their seven day a week work schedule, or the pick-up trucks with 250,000 miles. Sustainable farming is simply a get-rich-quick conspiracy, folks.

Instead of buying organic, just do what any reasonable person would do. Purchase your own farm, spend a lifetime raising your own food, and sell it for cheap. Ask the next farmer you meet, and he’ll tell you himself: the satisfaction really is priceless.

Check out my books, all about food, farming & living the good life!

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