It’s widely known that farming is a lucrative occupation, typically reserved for jet-setters, celebrities, and the crustiest of the upper-crust. Think about it. Dollar bills are 75% cotton & 25% linen; money doesn’t grow on trees, but it does grow straight out of the ground. Why worry about droughts when you can “make it rain” whenever you want? Some people think you have to be lucky to be a farmer, but here’s an insider tip: you can quadruple your luck if you raise horses (4 horseshoes) or rabbits (4… well, you know). An added bonus, there are four-leaf clovers all over the pasture for free! No one can argue that farmers have it made.
Of course, everyone agrees the only thing more profitable than farming is writing. Overwhelmed by sheer demand, universities have recently limited the number of students allowed to be English majors. After all, with all the public funding for the arts, how could a writer not make millions? Consider your local poets, driving around town in their fancy convertibles, flamboyantly slamming poetry whenever they damn-well please. But try not to be jealous. As the old saying goes, “Don’t Hate the Playwright, Hate the Game.”
By now, I know what you’re probably thinking: “Wow! The only thing more glamorous than being a farmer or a writer must be combining the two!” Correct you’d be. And this epiphany might lead you to a logical conclusion: “If only I was lucky enough to have a glimpse into this rich and fabulous world, my boring life would change forever!”
Fret not, hoi polloi. This farmer-writer has your back (noblesse oblige and whatnot). I was reminded of my elite social status recently when I received a gift in the mail (btw, receiving gifts is the sort of thing that happens to farmer-writers all the time!) from the website OnPasture.com, containing an exclusive writers’ jacket:
As mentioned, this gift came from On Pasture, a website where farmer-writers like myself congregate to share insights into making even more money, and being even more glamorous than we already are. (I know, hard to believe… but remember, this is insider access!). More specifically, we discuss ways to do this while raising animals sustainably ‘on pasture’. If you read between the lines, you can probably infer what I’m actually talking about here: GOLD. You know, like hatching geese that lay golden eggs, flocks of sheep with golden fleeces, grabbing bulls by their golden horns, etc., etc.
Naturally, due to my demanding social schedule, I sometimes forget how websites like this can help the less fortunate. Well, here’s a solid-gold tip for you: THE ON PASTURE WEBSITE IS TOTALLY FREE! That’s right, all you have to do is click the link, and it will whisk you away to lifestyles of the affluent and fabulous. To give you a sense of what you’ll find, here’s a photo-essay of me in my author jacket–looking fabulous, natch–and writing about the topics covered ‘on’ On Pasture.
Taking a six inch soil sample. That core looks almost as good as me!
Writing on a compost pile. Brown gold, Jerry!
All about sheep. Looking good in my On Pasture author jacket, even from behind!
Managing my farming-writing money all at once… It requires both hands!
Writing on a barn. Celebrities like to get high.
Up close with farm implements. Get the point?
On a tractor. That mud detailing cost $5,000, but I was all like ‘honey badger don’t care.’
How about me writing on a hay bale? Far out!
Here I am writing about pigs. That’s all, just writing about pigs.
About clean water… The takeaway is pretty clear.
Me & my entourage.
Gotta know your global markets. Here, I’m at the farmers’ market.
And finally, this is me with a goose, a 19th century corn sheller, and a beat-up old hog drinker. Helllllloooo, ladies.
As you can see, the life of the farmer-writer is an exclusive journey filled with riches, glamour, and exotic locales. But don’t take my word for it, subscribe for free to On Pasture. Gotta run, I’m meeting Sir Elton John in Spain, I’m traveling tonight on a plane. And for even more stories about stinking rich farmer-writers, check out my books below: